Weight…Is That Really YOU?!!
Everyone has a health story, including me! There are many layers to my story, but today I want to share specifically about eating. Over the years, I have had a number of patients look me over and openly question how I could ever understand their struggle (usually in reference to weight). I guess I could be offended, but I actually love that question! What I hear them really asking is, “Can I relate to them? Can they trust me?” And the short answer to both questions are, “YES and YES!” As much as no person has the same struggle as another, there are surely commonalities. I love to tell patients my story because it shows them that I indeed can relate to their struggle; which I believe in turn gives them hope that they too can overcome.
So here is a snapshot of my story: Growing up, I was never overweight. I was quite active and ate whatever I wanted without much to show for it. I would literally eat multiple candy bars, bowls of cereal, donuts & sweet treats in addition to normal meals every day. I never thought anything of it until high school rolled around. It was then that my activity levels changed, I had a lot of emotional struggles and these poor eating habits, namely sugar binges, began to catch up with me! Yet, even after gaining an extra 20 pounds or so, I still wasn’t even really “overweight”. I just didn’t feel good about how I looked and let’s be honest, going up in size, is never a thrill for a high school girl who is all done “growing.” I began to count calories, saw a dietician, made attempts to workout, tried to eat healthier, ate less, but the binging continued because I was unable to process my emotions and the root issues in my soul were still unresolved.
Once I got to college, I found it even harder to process the ever changing realities of life. I often grabbed junk food from the canteen and hid in my dorm room to devour it between classes. I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to be doing, but I couldn’t seem to stop. I was working out & otherwise ate healthier than I ever had, but those emotions kept rearing their head without a healthy outlet. One day I was at a computer in the library when a dear African friend came up to me. I hadn’t seen her in a while and her first words were, “Becky, you’re looking FAT!” Before you think she’s the worst friend in the world, please note that in many African cultures, telling someone they are fat means they are looking healthy or well fed. But the truth was, those cookies, blizzards, chai teas, & candy bars didn’t evaporate in my body: I had gained weight. She meant well, but those words were an unfriendly reminder of the inner struggle I was facing & couldn’t escape.
After two years of college, I took a break to do my missionary training school in Costa Rica and it was there that things really came to a head. God was doing so many amazing things in my life in a short period of time. But yet again, I didn’t know how to process it all, so I ran to food. Self control was gone! I would eat whole bags of Doritos, a tray or two of cookies, a whole bag of granola, & other junk in large quantities. At meals, I would even go back for seconds when I wasn’t really even hungry. I remember one day when lunch was supposed to be over, I was going back for another round. A wonderful Costa Rican mother-like figure gently asked me if I really needed to eat more. I can’t remember whether I ended up eating more or not, but I do remember sitting with her in tears. She was right. She could see I was struggling and she loved me enough to say something! Very quickly, I had run out of clothes to wear. Three months into the school, I was up to my highest weight ever. I look back at those pictures and find it hard to believe that was even me! But it was me and I am thankful for those hard days because God was working even in my struggle. After my school, I came back to the U.S. and was able to get back to the weight I was before the school by eating better and exercising, but the root issue still needed attention.
Wouldn’t it be magical if I told you I found a magical pill that fixed my issues overnight? I’d be a millionaire! Guys, there was no magic pill. The honest truth is that it has taken years. I have had so many failures, tears, sweat, wrestling and prayers to get to where I am today. By the grace of God alone, I am walking in victory that only God’s healing power can bring; the soul kind. Through the years, He has brought healing and given me so many creative ideas & tools. He is helping me to take care of my soul and in turn, the body He has given me. Thought by thought, day by day, I have to work on my mindset and rely on Him to strengthen the discipline in me to make the right choices. And is it perfect? No. But it’s progress over time! And the beautiful part of this battle I have faced, is that I now get to help others from what I have learned.
I am sharing this vulnerable part of my story because I want you to know you are not alone. Be encouraged to keep fighting the good fight and do not give up! Don’t compare yourself to someone else because they have a unique story as well that you’ve likely never heard. I am so blessed to come alongside you in your journey & share all that has been given to me.
Blessings,
Becky